Beverly Hills Cop

I bet you that is your Porsche that's parked outside, isn't it? Isn't that your Porsche? Is it? How would you like me to have the IRS come down here and crawl up your fuckin' ass with a microscope?

Eddie Murphy, you look the same. I mean you look different, but you haven't changed. You may be the same great comedic innovator underneath, but it's what you DO that defines you. Understandably, I had to pass on 1000 words. And in lieu of watching Tower Heist, I marathoned Heavy Weights, 200 Cigarettes, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, and hey, Beverly Hills Cop. This movie best lives in cop-comedy movie majesty in the way that Michael Jordan's best moments transcend basketball: Eddie Murphy was bigger than just a funny crime fighter.


He was an institution...

Forget the Eddie Murphy of the present and let's chose to remember him as the Axel Foley we all let into our hearts. From the laughing to the lying, Axel taught us so very much. Like, how to con your way into a free hotel room. Granted it helps if you're black or some other kind of minority. But here's what you do -

Concierge: I'm sorry I don't see anything under that name. 

You: Oh, check Rolling Stone Magazine's [Your Name]. That's what it is. 

Concierge: Sorry, no Rolling Stone. No [Your Name]

Now you've got to turn it on. You've got it up there, now snap it off. Don't blow this tantrum. Practice it beforehand and pretend you're onstage as you're reciting it. Pretend you're wearing a purple leather jumpsuit if it helps.

You: Don't you think I realize what's going on here, miss? Who do you think I am, huh? Don't you think I know that if I was some hotshot from out of town that pulled inside here and you guys made a reservation mistake, I'd be the first one to get a room and I'd be upstairs relaxing right now. But I'm not some hotshot from out of town, I'm a small reporter from Rolling Stone magazine that's in town to do an exclusive interview with [current hottest popstar of the time] that's gonna be picked up by every major magazine in the country. I was gonna call the article "[current popstar of the time] Is Sitting On Top of the World," but now I think I might as well just call it "[current popstar of the time] Can Sit On Top of the World Just As Long As He Doesn't Sit in the [whatever hotel you're trying to scam] 'Cause There's No Niggers (or other applicable racial/minority epithet) Allowed in There!

Beverly Hills Cop teeters on the edge of being too cartoonish and unbelievable. Yet aside from the Butch and Sundance homage at the end, overall it's pretty convincing. Oddly enough, the believable meter resets when Axel drops a little hard D. The aftermath is covered in the best scenes from earlier, whereby Axel schools us on how to properly get caught in a lie. Above all else, be cool.

You: Before I go, I just want you two to know something, alright? The supercop story (whatever story you were busted for telling)... was working. Okay? It was working, and you guys just messed it up. Okay? I'm trying to figure you guys out, but I haven't yet. But it's cool. You fuck up a perfectly good lie.

Moving on. Someone says banana. Someone says tailpipe. Someone mentions black on black humor. You cry out like William Wallace on the cross, "You're not gonna fall for the banana in the tailpipe?" Preferably you've just inhaled some helium for maximum effect. Where'd he get those bananas from anyway...oh hey, cancer patient Damon Wayans.

Pause. Random and EASY applied movie reference if you've got even a halfway beat up car and you're using valet parking.

You: Can you put this in a good spot? Cuz all this shit happened last time I parked here. 

Here's something that I'd be interested to see if it even works today. 28 years ago (yes that's when this movie came out, and yes you're now too old to have time to watch it for the 65th time) pretending to be an upper crust's herpes ridden homosexual one night stand might have got you a free pass to have an uninterrupted chat with George Clooney. But now in the age of cell phones and homo acceptance, it might have the opposite effect. Nevertheless, you can still sneak in a movie reference with an "I think that would be best," to punctuate any sentence at any point in your life.

And finally, there's the theme song. Like a Lonely Island song, it's jokey but kind of something you'd want to sing.

Eddie, please come back to us. More Raw Delirium, less Doolittle Norbit. You once made me believe that with an ambiguous badge and confidence, I can do anything. I want to believe again...