Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

Delicate is the balance between 'oh no, not another Jim Carrey movie quoter' and 'wow, what a well placed, well timed Ace Ventura Reference'. Hopefully you can pick your references better than Ace expresses his emotions. Here's one to write off your list permanently:

Allllllllllllllrighty then

Quotes like this have no business in conversation.


Fortunately for this movie, the good far outweighs the bad. The quotes always come from the same character so we can break it down by Ace's relationships:

1. Ace & Melissa
2. Ace & Aguado 
3. Ace & Dan Marino
4. Ace & Ray Finkle's Parents
5. Ace & The Doctor
6. Ace & Mr. Shikadance
7. Ace & The Media
8. Ace & Einhorn
9. Ace & The Eagle

1. Ace & Melissa

Not a fancy dinner party goes by that I don't want to do the Tom Ace routine with the host. This part resonates with the wannabe too cool for school dinner party guests who are secretly uncomfortable because they know they're just not classy enough for the occasion. Ventura is the embodiment of middle-class existentialist detective work, the white Axle Foley. He can show up in rags and embarrass the riches. If I went to law school and were at a fancy party, the host of which I hated, I would say this:

Pleasure to meet you Sir and may I congradulate you on all your success... you smell TEREFFIC! I was just telling (Hot Date) that one of the first things we learned back at... (Good Law School) ... was the modern proliferation of food poisoning claims against wealthy, private homeowners. In fact, if one were so inclined, one could make quite a lucrative law practice on little else. How is everyone feeling tonight? 

However, none of this would actually happen because, of course, that quote is way too long...So pick your soundbites. Perhaps abbreviate to simply, "congratulations on all your success, you smell TEREFFIC!" Or even more subtle, "One of the first things we learned back at (wherever you went to school said with the same Ace Ventura intonation)". If that doesn't apply, to get out of a conversation with a snooty dinner party guest, look over at the snack table and say: "Oh look honey, there's the hors d'oeuvres".

One time I peed my pants at a dinner party. True story. I had to go so badly that I rushed to whip it out and caught the stream on the pant flap then lost control. This was '95 or '96, with Ace Ventura still fresh in my young mind. If I didn't have a jacket to tie around my waist, I would have stayed in the bathroom for another half an hour, turned the shower on and got in. Then, I would have emerged like this. Also, I think I would call it a life if I'm ever put in the situation where I can successfully work this quote in without it being out of place: "If I'd been drinking out of the toilet, I might have been killed." As a side, this is the best quote in the entire movie. Use it wisely, ideally at the pinnacle of an Ace Ventura reference session.

2. Ace & Aguado 

Originality is something a ball-breaking cop is not, but the Ventura lines after Aguado steps on a cockroach are outrageously crafty. It would be hard to replicate this given his excessive use of emphasis, but I would accept a toned down version of this quote as a valid muted threat: "then I'd lose 30 pounds PORKING his wife".

3. Ace & Dan Marino

You'll have no excuse to run out of comebacks after this exchage:

Dan Marino: Cry-baby. Ace Ventura: Jock. Dan Marino: Whimp. Ace Ventura: Muscle-head. Lois Einhorn: SHUT UP. 

But Marino's involvement in this film boils down to setting this scene. My go to line after someone says anything even remotely weird is: "You're a weird guy, (guy who said something weird), weird guy."

4. Ace & Ray Finkle's Parents

It is pretty standard practice to write on the underside of your brim if you're a baseball player. Anything from your number to a lucky totem. One time we had a new relief pitcher and we kicked his hat over to reveal the scribbling of a madman. Another player said, "Cozy if you're Hannibal Lecter". Thanks to Ray's parents who kept his room just the way he left it, we enjoyed a laugh at the psycho's hat brim.

I took the game a little further, but missed the mark - so take this as a cautionary tale. After the hat incident, I went over to the new pitcher and said, "Hi, I'm looking for (new guy's name)...and a clean pair of shorts". He didn't get it and he was an avid fan of Ace Ventura. Key tip: the 'clean pair of shorts' line only works if someone threatens you after you tell them who you're looking for. While a gun in the face is never welcome, here's one way to insert levity into the life and death situation. 
I became fast friends with the guy. Soon after I walked away, still in earshot, he told me to "die of gonorrhea and rot in hell".


5. Ace & The Doctor

If you're buddies or even vaguely familiar with your coach, drop this opening line on him: "I'm ready to go in coach, just give me a chance! I know there's a lot riding on it but it's all psychological. Just gotta stay in a positive frame of mind."

The outfit, the button hook pattern, and the hard time "letting go of the game" contribute to this classic scene. Mostly greatness is achieved through the juxtaposition of a serious consult between the Doctor and Melissa and Ace yucking it up the background. 
6. Ace & Mr. Shikadance
VENTUUUURAAA....Yes, Satan?

To be used separately. VENTUUUURAAA when you're behind someone you're looking for. Yes, Satan when you're talking to someone you hate. See, this isn't so hard now is it?

7. Ace & The Media

Control de shouting!! You should say this whenever there's a media scrum. Nobody will hear you, nor will they get the reference if they do. If you get one laugh, you've made a friend for the next ten minutes.

You can trade lines from this scene starting with holding your hand up with all five fingers out saying "Seven years I am wit Siegfried". If you can do the whole quote, it might throw the other guy. Throw in "shtuffing in de pants" and you'll get the meat of the reference. Leave out that dolphin imitation crap tantamount to 'Allllllrighty then' because you're better than that.

8. Ace & Einhorn


Playful banter, flirty tension, desktop makeouts - two dudes caught in a bad romance. Turns out, Lois' gun was doing more than sticking into hips: it was hiding in a thorny patch of dingleberries.
Nothing ignites a passionate crush like being showed up by the object of affection. Ace Ventura: Pet Detective is a classic love manual for what to do when the hot girl hates you. First: get caught with your head up your ass.

Or get caught talking out of it.

Second, show the girl you're not a complete asshole by proving her wrong about something she claims to do well. In this case it's police work at a crime scene.

Third, let her rape you...wait, what?

Fourth, discover she's a man...go back to the raping part for a second- HOLD ON! WHAT??

Fifth, prove she's a man by stripping her to bra and panties exposing her ass-man-junk...Man, what is it with Sean Young and playing dudes?

Real world applications?

Girl with fake boobs: "That kinda surgery could have been done over the WEEKend"
Something stuck on something else like hair on a head: "Boy that's really on there"
After meeting anyone with the name Finkle or Einhorn: "Einhorn is Finkle! Finkle is Einhorn! Einhorn is a man!
After realizing you've done something homosexual and liked it...

9. Ace & The Eagle
Oh yeah? Blow me.