The Rules of Attraction

The Beek is a long way from the Creek. Dawson Leery is an unlikely choice to play Patrick Bateman's younger brother. Fortunately for him, he does well to eliminate his weepy manchild image with every new facial expression contrasting so well with the mono toned inner monologue. He is good. The guy in the picture above (whose name I had to IMDB because he never gets work, which is a travesty), Russell Sams is better. A close second is Fred "I can feel my dick" Savage.


So here we go: it's a story that might bore you, but you don't have to listen, because I always knew it was going to be like that.

1. Sean
2. A Junkie Named Marc
3. Dick 
4. The Rest

1. Sean

"Got you. You're mine now. For the rest of the day, week, month, year, life. Have you guessed who I am? Sometimes I think you have. Sometimes when you're standing in a crowd I feel those sultry, dark eyes of yours stop on me. Are you too afraid to come up to me and let me know how you feel? I want to moan and writhe with you and I want to go up to you and kiss your mouth and pull you to me and say "I love you I love you I love you" while stripping. I want you so bad it stings. I want to kill the ugly girls that you're always with. Do you really like those boring, naive, coy, calculating girls or is it just for sex? The seeds of love have taken hold, and if we won't burn together, I'll burn alone. "

This quote is awful. It should never be used in any context whatsoever. Sniffing a purple love letter while pounding off on the other hand, that you should reference and reference often. There's actually something sublimely organic in this moment, as with his other fundamentally rudimentary beats in this movie: crazy shit happens in college. Guys do weird stuff when they jerk off. Guys do NOT have overly wordy, in-your-face-I'm-too-cool-for-school inner monologues that give the good inner monologues a bad name.



Here's a tip to avoid someone else mocking the tendency to over inner monologue: make weird sex with a smoking hot girl like Jessica Biel, then as she's crying on her pillow just say: "What's wrong? I told you I came".


2. A Junkie Named Marc

Remain calm. That's apparently rule #1 when confronted with a drug dealer coming to collect. So what do we do when asked about the cash? We say: "What class, man? Who teaches that?" Sure, your drug dealer is going to get a little heated about the aloofness and free spirited attitude. Don't let him ruin your outlook. Tell him as much: "Don't fuck up my karma, dude. Don't fuck it up." The last part is very important and will come in handy I promise: When you're playing a woodwind instrument with a lit cigarette, ALWAYS use your belly button as an ashtray.

3. Dick

From now on, the only answer to the godawful question how's school will be: it suuuuucks COOOOOOOOOOOOOCK!

Patronizing as it is, colleges still do the whole parents weekend thing. Real HousePillPoppers go comatose for their kids who are exploring bisexuality. Fear not, they will still feign interest in your course selection. And whether you like your tube steak smothered in underwear or not, when asked about your classes, here's how you respond: Gangbang 101, Freebase Tutorial, and Oral Sex Workshop. And for the love of god, if your parents try to make you leave the table for being rude during their intrusion you MUST respond exactly this way.


And there's really only one way to gay out.

4. The Rest
You have to feel for the resident M.D. on duty during party nights near campus. Docs, listen, and listen good: If you can convince a living college freshmen that he's dead just by having a conversation with him, we all would look the other way on whatever you wanted to do. Somerhalder's got the right attitude, curled up in a wheelchair just telling it like it is. He even acknowledges that his life "lacks forward momentum". In fact, most of college is coping with just that: lack of forward momentum. Bateman's figured out this fundamental paradox: 
So let's not elevate the importance of college. Let's take it for what it is and manage expectations. You'll end up either proved dead after ODing on Sudafed or nailing a blond after pawning off Anna Begins as your own on the acoustic guitar. Intermittently, mix in George Michaels and some cock. You'll be just fine.