The Rock

This is the exception to the rule. No, Michael Bay does not make good movies. Nicolas Cage does not make good movies. Sean Connery hasn't made good action movies since his James Bond days and Ed Harris...wait. Ed Harris is in this movie? Hang on, this might not be as cancerous as we thought at first glance. Oh hey, IMDB, Michael Biehn plays the Navy SEAL CO? What, and Aaron Sorkin had a hand in the script? Ok, so think about The Rock this way: the best elements of the James Bond movies, Bad Boys without Martin Lawrence, if Ed Harris channeled George C. Scott's Patton, a Michael Mann-esque score, and The West Wing's Patriotism combined with The Social Network's quick, punchy dialogue.


The most important part of this film? It's quotable! Whether you're in a weirdly sentimental mood for a bleeding heart American monologue  littered with patriotism, or you want to do your best Sean Connery impression, even Nicolas Cage has repeatable lines.

Essentially, this movie breaks down into two categories: the somewhat overly dramatized (ok, VERY overly dramatized) scenes and the short quips that drive the dialogue. The opening scene has to have its own section and lead off this post. Before basketball games int eh 8th grade, my friends and I would watch this scene and get pumped up to go kick ass. We didn't. But the opening served its purpose:

From "I won't let you down, son" to the poor boil-faced bastard spasming so hard he breaks his own back, we run the gamut of emotions in the first 7 minutes. Hans Zimmer's gets our hearts pumping and Ed Harris tickles our Nazi-envy bone with structured military operations. Weird Nazi reference? Not really, they're all BAD GUYS. I suppose if I said something like, Darth Vader would have jizzed his pants after watching this scene, we all would have been fine with it? Moving on. These aren't the references you're looking for.

Nicolas Cage. Fifteen years ago, if you had told me the plot synopsis to The Wicker Man and tried passing it off as anything but a comedy, I would have said you're crazy. Nostalgia is the glue that holds generations together. So sure, I'll buy Cage as a chemical weapons specialist working for the FBI. No problem.

Without fail, every time I would encounter a porno magazine after seeing this movie, I would open it and boldly proclaim: "Stone Age Cavegirls in the Raw...kinky." Most of us were too busy hiding our boners to get the reference. Also, if there's ever a problem involving the word "problem" in it, try to use this one, "that's a pretty big FREAKING problem, fix it now!" OR if you're, say, alergic to peanuts or bees or something and require an epipen every so often, make sure you say this: "Look how big this is. You want me to stick this into my leg (read: heart)? Are you FUCKING nuts?!"

Back to the sentimentally dramatically tragic. There's a reason Michael Biehn has played a Navy SEAL in three different movies and been a soldier of some kind in countless others: he's pretty fucking good at it. After assembling SEAL Team 6, chemical superfreak Cage and over-the-hill convict Connery join the mission to invade Alcatraz island, The Rock. It doesn't go so well...

Not that this is a lesson one would hope to impart, but just in case your team of whoever gets taken hostage or taken over or is just plain beat and leads to a negotiation, here are some takeaways: Identify yourself by name, rank and job description slowly, deliberately and without hesitation. "Anderson here, sir. Commander. Team Leader." Don't side with your opposition, but don't disagree with them either. Empathize. "We know why you're out here. And God knows I agree with you." Beyond that, if all else fails, address the team itself and bypass the leader. On the flip side, if you're in a position of power all you have to say is: "You walked into the wrong goddamned room, commander!"

You'll notice, that leaves Mason and Goodspeed to kick the shit out of a platoon full of marines. Are they ready for this? Not really...

Nothing can make you forget you're being held captive by mercenaries more than Stanley Goodspeed in the next cell. This is more of an every day reference you can throw around: "I'd take pleasure in guttin' you...boy." It's a gamble, sure. Your boss might not have seen The Rock. Or he or she might come back at you with "I was just thinking wonderful it was when the inmates weren't allowed to talk in here." Then you've got a promotion. Another every day must-use: "How in the name of Zeus' BUTTHOLE did you [insert anything you want to know how to do from the person you're talking to]." I'm also also a big fan of, "that was really cool by the way" and "in our current situation, it could prove to be useful information, MAYBE". Work those gems into any conversation and then you'll really be regurgitating the meat and potatoes of The Rock.

I want to close with a Sean Connery tribute, but before that we have to give love to some more minor players here. Like the black guy who keeps calling Nic Cage "Baby". Or how about the psycho marine who's not only not bluffing, but also not slacking off. Cocked locked and ready to rock. These two will not only take pleasure in guttin' but also choking their million bucks outta you.

Sean fucking Connery. Personally, he thinks you're a fuckin' idiot. Of course, Patriotism is a virtue of the viscous, according to Oscar Wilde. If Lee Child's keeps making Jack Reacher novels, this is what I can only hope Reacher will turn into: John Patrick Mason. Seemingly the only one who knows how badass this guy really is would be FBI Director Womack. And boy do they hate each other.

It's no wonder that goofy bastard Nic Cage looks great in a scene like this: he's being carried by the best James Bond there ever was. What's his specialty again? Looking like a befuddled maniac? "Don't mention that." And "can we get a cup of coffee in here please!" This scene has so many nuggets, it's impossible to pick a favorite. Oh wait, it's not: "WOMACK! Why am I not surprise you piece of shit." God help the first person I meet with the last name Womack and have to see on a daily basis. They'll have to move.
Michael Bay, you caught lightning in a bottle here. And for that, we thank you. But first, what do you say we cut the CHIT CHAT, A-HOLE!