Crazy, Stupid, Love

"Cal, my shvantz is in your face for 20 minutes. If it's not bothering you, we've got a bigger problem"

In truth, we all wish Mystery looked like this. He doesn't. But Ryan Gosling removes the need for reading a book and watching horrible VHI Reality TV by simply taking off his clothes and using an implacable accent (seriously, what is that?). Adding fuel to the Fuck Yeah! fire is Gosling's ability to deliver a comedic line and a comedic punch, both on and off screen. Fortunately for all, Crazy, Stupid, Love wasn't another Evan Almighty, Steve Carell lesson in buffoonery. So take the straw out of your mouth lest you look like you're sucking on a tiny shvantz and let's get outta here. You been drinking? I'll drive.

There's decent amount to use here. First, if you see something odd or weird about another person, preferably someone you know, try this: "What happened with your (body part that is being humiliated)". For example, Person A has a bad necktie. Person B wants to make fun. Person B is also kind of a D-bag.

Person B to Person A: What happened with your neck?

It's pretty standard and should be followed up with either fisticuffs from Person A or more verbal bombardment by Person B. The lesser of two evils could continue with are you in a fraternity? Or mortuary if their suit is too boring, or The Notebook movie if their shag is too shaggy. Be careful with the Steve Jobs escalation as it is a slippery slope bringing in recently deceased geniuses to the verbal mockery equation. Save that one for black turtlenecks, baggy Gap jeans and/or white sneakers and you've got yourself a reference, baby!

David Lindhagen is a reference in itself. Like Cliff Huxtable or Dorsia before it, though far less memorable, David Lindhagen is an institution. Who better to play the biggest dick in the movie than Mr. Shvantz himself, Kevin Bacon. We'll get to his part later, but for this clip we'll need to be in a bar about to take a shit all over a rival suitor. Get up in the guys face and start off with a little bit of Gosling's swag: "You're sitting there with a Supercuts haircut, you're getting drunk off of watered down (whatever the guy is drinking) like a 14 year old girl." Then either be ready to keep going with more person-specific insults or have Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary on standby ready to go.

Really though, here's where it all comes together.

If you have a daughter, I imagine you might want to try this one out on whatever twerp is sticking it to her: "No way. Break up. Right now."

Next. If your best friend's mortal enemy shows up and introduces himself, give it to him Gosling-style. "David Lindhagen? (ring off) K." Only suckers get sucker punched so go for it and then go back to your weird accented, quasi effeminate hand gestured way of speaking and say, "You know how much pain and suffering you've caused my friend you dumb son of a -"

Finally, when you're in a scrum of any kind, don't panic. Glibly keep your cool and make sure someone is listening when you ask, "What are you grabbing?"

Stay hungry, stay foolish and remember that Emma Stone is not attractive no matter how many people put her in movies and on covers of magazines.