The Birdcage

Character. The only question is, which will I be for my string of quotes during the let's-all-reference-The Birdcage brouhaha. And trust me, this will happen in the blink of an eye when you least expect it. Quick thinking and a solid foundation of quote-ready references will prepare you well for whenever Ms. Albert decides to walk in the door as Val's mother instead of visiting the cemetery with her toothbrush...How Egyptian. We can't afford to be driving back from Miami at 20 miles an hour with the parking brake on  now can we?


So let's rundown the reference worthy characters.

1. Agador
2. Albert
3. Armand
4. Senator Keeley

1. Agador 

Having a fake flaming homosexual voice goes a long way in a crowd. Nothing screams I'm comfortable with myself more than Agador references and they're really fun to do. Whether he's prancing around doing his best Lucy/Ricky dance

Or bursting through the door with an inspired verse of "I Could Have Danced All Night" there's always attitude for days that borders on scary. In fact, should you be called out by a less-than impressed spectator after referencing the above Konga dance or belting it out to the back row, just go with this comeback:

You: (as Agador) Come on, are ju afraid of my Guatemalanness?
Person X: What?
You: My Guatemalanness. My natural heat. You're afraid I'm too primitive.

And then there's the little, more physical and idiosyncratic things. What happens when a group of people doing busy work get into a Birdcage quote fest? You wait for a lull and do this. Or, pop your shoes off and wait for someone to ask about it. Simply reply, "I do not wear shoes because they make me fall down."
/≥ˆ¨jaERD
Since 1996, the year this movie was released and I saw it in theaters, I cannot eat shrimp without pronouncing it "chrimps". I cannot eat soup without referencing "sweet and sour peasant soup". And I attribute this all to the various kitchen scenes in the movie. Share watching The Birdcage with someone and then try sharing a shirmp and/or soup meal with that same person: there is no way it doesn't come up. And if you ever need to peer pressure anyone who says they "don't really do [X bad thing]", say this.

2. Albert

Yes. We fall in love with Ms. Albert once she walks in the door in her best righty conservative housewife attire. Though finding appropriate applications for the Coleman/Coldman/Goldman clarification in reality proves difficult. Snippets can be referenced from this entrance.

Say you meet a Coleman. Try this one on him: "Oh yes... Coldeman. The "d" is silent in America." Not into that? You should get a chuckle from this, "It's Cole D'Isle au Man, or Cole of the Isle of Man, in France." If all else fails, just do this one for yourself: "We don't know where we are until we hear our last name pronounced! Ahahahahahahaaaaa!

Before Albert turns into Barbara Bush, there are several scenes that produce everlasting quotable memories. To refresh your memory, the plan was to have Albert be "Uncle Al" in for a visit.

Wear a pair of colored socks with a suit, preferably bright pink, and explain yourself with: "One does want a hint of color".

Even before this moment, Albert had hours with Armand learning how to walk, talk and act like a man. It was more grueling a process than the most grueling Rocky montage. But, Albert is a great performer and Armand a great director - together they can do almost anything! Let's take a few pages out of this lesson in machismo.

Rule number one: Get your pinkie down! It's up again.
Rule number two: Don't use the spoon and don't dribble little dots of mustard. You take your knife and you smear. Men smear.
Rule number three: Get the goddamn pinkie down! Make your fingers like iron, alright?
Rule number four: React like a man. Calmly. Say to yourself: "Albert, you pierced the toast. Soooo what? It's not the end of your life."
Rule number five: Get off your horse and head into the saloon.
Rule number six: DOWN!

Unfortunately for Uncle Al, this was the manliest it got.

Two more obtuse references applicable to snacks and gum.

The Schnecken Beckons: Grab a snack and quip this little gem. Go ahead, have a schnecken for the road.
Try More Gum: See a guy chewing gum and say: "Honey, you're wasting your gum". If anyone ever says they don't get it, say: "Try more gum!" And don't let them get away with it just because they're 22 and hung.

3. Armand

By now we've peripherally covered Armand via Albert and Agador. So let's deliver his most underrated line:

I've never felt such tension. It's like riding a psychotic horse towards a burning stable.  

4. Senator Keeley

"I hope this doesn't influence your vote"

Now lets all go have ourselves some Pirin Tablets and pretend to drink with our pinkies down.