Beverly Hills Cop

I bet you that is your Porsche that's parked outside, isn't it? Isn't that your Porsche? Is it? How would you like me to have the IRS come down here and crawl up your fuckin' ass with a microscope?

Eddie Murphy, you look the same. I mean you look different, but you haven't changed. You may be the same great comedic innovator underneath, but it's what you DO that defines you. Understandably, I had to pass on 1000 words. And in lieu of watching Tower Heist, I marathoned Heavy Weights, 200 Cigarettes, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, and hey, Beverly Hills Cop. This movie best lives in cop-comedy movie majesty in the way that Michael Jordan's best moments transcend basketball: Eddie Murphy was bigger than just a funny crime fighter.

Valentine's Day

This will hopefully be the first and last post about a movie I've never seen. The cast blows my mind, like a souped up Ocean's 11. Minus the tween/Twilight/Grey's Anatomy cast. Double minus George Lopez (nice show, by the way). Triple-dog minus Ashton Kutcher...you're the worst. Actually, looking at this list, the only star shinning in 2012 is Catwoman. This movie must have blah-EW!

Gran Torino

And I'd like to leave my 1972 Gran Torino to... 
...my friend... Thao Vang Lor. On the condition that you don't chop-top the roof like one of those beaners, don't paint any idiotic flames on it like some white trash hillbilly, and don't put a big, gay spoiler on the rear end like you see on all the other zipperheads' cars. It just looks like hell. If you can refrain from doing any of that... it's yours.  

If you're a man who's getting up there in age, you're probably reading this by accident. But while we have you, let's take a few pages from ODH (Old Dirty Harry) on how to effectively be a grumpy old man badass. Quite honestly, that's the only kind of old man I want to be.