Beverly Hills Cop

I bet you that is your Porsche that's parked outside, isn't it? Isn't that your Porsche? Is it? How would you like me to have the IRS come down here and crawl up your fuckin' ass with a microscope?

Eddie Murphy, you look the same. I mean you look different, but you haven't changed. You may be the same great comedic innovator underneath, but it's what you DO that defines you. Understandably, I had to pass on 1000 words. And in lieu of watching Tower Heist, I marathoned Heavy Weights, 200 Cigarettes, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, and hey, Beverly Hills Cop. This movie best lives in cop-comedy movie majesty in the way that Michael Jordan's best moments transcend basketball: Eddie Murphy was bigger than just a funny crime fighter.

Valentine's Day

This will hopefully be the first and last post about a movie I've never seen. The cast blows my mind, like a souped up Ocean's 11. Minus the tween/Twilight/Grey's Anatomy cast. Double minus George Lopez (nice show, by the way). Triple-dog minus Ashton Kutcher...you're the worst. Actually, looking at this list, the only star shinning in 2012 is Catwoman. This movie must have blah-EW!

Gran Torino

And I'd like to leave my 1972 Gran Torino to... 
...my friend... Thao Vang Lor. On the condition that you don't chop-top the roof like one of those beaners, don't paint any idiotic flames on it like some white trash hillbilly, and don't put a big, gay spoiler on the rear end like you see on all the other zipperheads' cars. It just looks like hell. If you can refrain from doing any of that... it's yours.  

If you're a man who's getting up there in age, you're probably reading this by accident. But while we have you, let's take a few pages from ODH (Old Dirty Harry) on how to effectively be a grumpy old man badass. Quite honestly, that's the only kind of old man I want to be.

Hot Rod

"Is that Sully?! Babe, I gotta go say whatup to Sully."

Attention all douche bags, arrogant lax bros, fratty moneybags out there: Will Arnett is making fun of you. It's a double edge sword, though. He's doing such a good job that it's almost enviable to be this kind of a person. More regrettable than finding yourself to be guilty of douche-cockery, is glancing at Will Arnett's IMDB page and seeing he is known for Ratatouille and Despicable Me...COME ON! For our purposes, we'll take his best movie role to this point, which comes in the Lonely Island weird-out contest Hot Rod.

Wet Hot American Summer

Elliot Stabler in Wet Hot American Summer

Gene: Now, we need to make 8 gallons of bug juice by snack hour; do you know where the powder packets are? Gary: [irritated] Yeah. Gene: In the pantry over the sink, right next to my bottle of dick cream... wait....ignore that last comment. Gary: Did you say dick cream? Gene: No! I said stick... team, you know, stick team! Stickball! Forget about it, go away, leave me alone! 

You listen to me, Mr. Kickass. Christopher Meloni demands to be taken hilariously. It's hard to say why procedural dramas like Law & Order, or even it's much better spin-off Special Victim's Unit, have staying power while diverse and talented groups of funny people have a more limited life span (Party Down, Arrested Development). Wet Hot American Summer grossed just a shade under $300K. Anyone, top of your head, know how much the latest Twilight abortion made? Just a shade under $300 Million. Hey Mr. Pattinson, Mr. Rubber Buurrner. You wipe that hot shot grin off your face or I'll shoot it off ya.

The Human Centipede

My threshold for thinking about this is only a few minutes, but here's the deal. Some Tom Clancy character made a joke to his buddies about how a child molester should be punished and boom, he's the director of the internet sensation, box office flop The Human Centipede.

There's Something About Mary

Puffer doesn't like bad guys

Matt Dillon bursts on screen, pants down with a nudie calendar on the wall, and dominates a comedy featuring this generation's great comedic chameleon, Ben Stiller. There's Something About Mary succeeds in doing for Matt Dillon what all comedies have the option of doing with serious actors: making them funny. Peppered in throughout are choice phrases from angry black step-fathers armed with cans of whoop-ass and psychotic drifters with dysfunctional business models. So what could Matt Dillon bring to the table? Matt, you're up.

The Tuskegee Airmen

"Lt. Col. Benjamin O. Davis: How do I feel about my country? And how does my country...feel about me? Are we only to be Americans when the mood suits you? A fair and impartial opportunity is all we ask. Nothing that you yourselves wouldn't demand."

Has it been so long that we've forgotten the original PBS version of The Tuskegee Airmen? Whatever its reason for the made-for-tv status, the 1995 film turned out to be the African American equivalent of A Few Good Men vis-a-vis casting and overall quality. So it pains me to see a preview for a big screen remake of what looks to be the Drumline/Pearl Harbor bastard remake of the original with a George Lucas stamp on it, Red Tails. We aren't talking the American Graffiti George Lucas, rather the Jar Jar Binks swimming in a pool of gold George Lucas.

Closer

"Thank you for your honesty. Now fuck off and die...you fucked-up slag." 

Closer broke through with a couple moments featuring the wide-eyed, should be James Bond, Clive Owen. He's a man. A caveman. Brooding with self-loathing, getting duped into cybersex by Jude Law. Damien Rice's The Blower's Daughter provides a melancholy undertaste to this dark, dark film about the nature of chance, trust and love, if such a thing exists.

Black Sheep

Sergeant Drake Sabitch: I could go to your mama's and start a small fire in her panties. 

Of the Chris Farley & David Spade vehicles, Black Sheep is the poor man's Tommy Boy. Save only for the fact that Rob Lowe, Brian Dennehy, and Dan Akyroyd combined don't add up to one Gary Busey. He's quite simply the best supporting actor in a comedy, or drama, or any other movie you put him in. Like Gerry Stiller, he's brilliant without having to act like anybody else but Gary Busey.

Drive

If I drive for you, you give me a time and a place. I give you a five-minute window, anything happens in that five minutes and I'm yours no matter what. I don't sit in while you're running it down; I don't carry a gun... I drive. 

Other than Ryan Gosling’s thicker than normal, weirdo blue-collar accent delivering a monologue about his life’s method, there is nothing to reference in this movie beyond the soundtrack and a couple other lines delivered by the adult Mouseketeer. 

Speed

Pop quiz, hot shot: The elevator's about to fall, there's a bomb on a bus, there's a gap in the elevated freeway, the bad guy has my new girlfriend hostage and he's Dennis Hopper (double trouble), the train won't stop and the tracks are also unfinished (what is with LA transit construction? Seriously...), AND you're Keanu Reeves. What do you do?

Groundhog Day

You want a prediction about the weather, you're asking the wrong Phil. I'll give you a winter prediction: It's gonna be cold, it's gonna be grey, and it's gonna last you for the rest of your life.

 That pretty much sum up the quicksand feeling of neutrality in your life? Is this New Year going to be all that different from any other year? Sure, routine events may take on a new variance and of course every day won't be exactly the same. But odds are they'll be close.