Crazy, Stupid, Love

"Cal, my shvantz is in your face for 20 minutes. If it's not bothering you, we've got a bigger problem"

In truth, we all wish Mystery looked like this. He doesn't. But Ryan Gosling removes the need for reading a book and watching horrible VHI Reality TV by simply taking off his clothes and using an implacable accent (seriously, what is that?). Adding fuel to the Fuck Yeah! fire is Gosling's ability to deliver a comedic line and a comedic punch, both on and off screen. Fortunately for all, Crazy, Stupid, Love wasn't another Evan Almighty, Steve Carell lesson in buffoonery. So take the straw out of your mouth lest you look like you're sucking on a tiny shvantz and let's get outta here. You been drinking? I'll drive.

Se7en

Right in the meaty part of Brad Pitt's godlike existence, he hooks up with David Fincher and grits his way into one of his best pre-Ocean's 11-13 roles of his career. If he was gorgeous in Legends of the Fall, he is blue-collar beautiful in Se7en playing Detective Mills, a recently transferred cop taking over for Morgan Freeman's Detective Somerset, who has been playing guys "too old for this shit" ever since he chauffeured a certain Daisy in the late 80's. How many references come out of Se7en? Only a few that are clearly identifiable, but many more throughout pop cultural cult communities. Even Seinfeld, if you want to make that connection.

The Game

Perfect day to reference a movie that makes soup out of your mind's asshole. Fincher has a lot of movies with quotable quotes, but The Game is a textual thriller where references can only lie in the overall mind-bang experience. It's trippy. Like coming home to black-light graffiti and a more buffoonish Mr. Marbles.



Don't think about The Matrix, rather The Game when listening to this song. And if you ever think a "game" is being played on you, pause. Remember what the dormouse said: FEED YOUR HEAD.

Rookie of the Year

This movie gets lost in the little kid as manager, little kid as legend (turned pinch runner??), and little kid as religious baseball movie shuffle. We remember Rookie of the Year every time that plain guy gets high school dome from Tara Reid in that Pie Movie. Or every time we're trying to figure out which kid baseball movie is which between the plethora of '93-'94 sub genre movies.

Independence Day

The President's Speech

No Will Smith reference from this movie will make anyone think anything other than this guy touches his dick with other guys' dicks. So spare us. Instead turn to Bill Pullman as The President of the United States. He's a combat pilot, Will. He belongs in the air. Before returning to his war hero days, Pullman's Thomas Whitmore delivers a speech to rival all inspirational speeches. Take it from a guy who used to watch Braveheart before JV basketball games.

Mankind, that word should have new meaning for all of us today. I find myself using this phraseology when I have to elevate the importance of anything. For example: You're hungover and beat to all holy hell on any given Sunday afternoon. You remark to your girl - Breakfast burrito, that word should have new meaning for all of us today.

We will not go quietly into the night. We will not vanish without a fight. When being dramatic, please rhyme. Not overtly, but subtly and poetically. What the hell, if you have to give a do or die pep talk to whomever you're inspiring, just plagiarize the shit out of this quote if you can make it applicable. If you can get just one goose bump, you've done your job. And that's what I call a close encounter...shame on me.

The Weatherman

The Weatherman does more to show us the depressing reality that mostly resembles our shit lives than any recent tabloid pictures of Nicolas Cage ever could. There's a cold vacancy, a sort of blindness to The Weatherman's naivete that warrants nothing less than a broken family and fast food degradation. Nic Cage's David has a stream of consciousness that is more real than most of us Americans want to let on. Certainly we've all had our own tartar sauce moment at a crucial point in our lives and it makes us remember one thing: your mind is not your friend.

My Best Friend's Girl

Baldwin might be in a class all his own here. Nobody does filthy CEO's like him: from Jack Donaghy to Stan Indursky. So many quotable references.

Even here, in this shit Dane Cook disaster, Alec Baldwin turns a 30 second scene into immortality.
If you happen to be even remotely cool enough to be with another guy and a girl you bedded previously walks in, hoist the cigar hand in the air and begin "Last night I fucked that girl within an inch of her life. TRUE STORY".

Let's say she's a freakshow in bed like little miss teaching assistant. She asks you to do something that perhaps you don't know how to do or even what it is. You recount in your telling of the tale that you played innocent: "She screams give me a (unknown thing), I play the choir boy, 'what's that?'"

Let's marvel at this one: "She's bucking like an epileptic at a strobe light convention".

Now I'm getting scared. This clip is so powerful, it's like discovering Plutonium BY ACCIDENT!

"As I'm working out the 9-1-1 call in my head," is a great antecedent to the end of a horrifically hilarious tale, embellished or otherwise.

If you haven't seen this movie, don't. But if you haven't seen this clip, you're welcome. Now if you'll excuse Alec, he needs a moment...

The Edge

Here we have Alec Baldwin in the tweener stage between his handsome bubble and his larger than life comedic rise to heightened stardom. Winter clothing and flannel do well to hid his growing girth, but the jowls never lie. Which is perhaps why he is so well suited to add depth to this silly bear movie with Sir Anthony Hopkins and the black guy from lost. Scroll on over to 2:15 to see some real subtle hilarity from this emerging mountain of a superstar.

If you're ever lost, don't panic. Keep your composure. But if you must question your leader's direction, wave wildly with a stick and a finger and say emphatically:

This doesnt FEEL south (or whatever direction you're trying to go), Charles.

And by God call the people around you by their full names. Charles could easily be shortened to Charlie or Chuck, but Baldwin here decides to jab at his wealthy, prestigious armor by not succumbing to familiarity. He knows he's of a lower class than Hopkins, yet Baldwin is banging the rich guy's wife and mocking his name to his face - all the while he uses Hopkins to get out alive.

But do you know what people die of in the wild? They die of shame...

Predator

Predator! You sonofa BITCH...The lineup in this movie is the perfect mix of brains and brawn for a John McTiernan 100 page script that was most likely cut down to 20 pages of actual dialogue. When Arnie isn't struggling through multiple sentences as the C/O, he's rattling off catch phrases and kicking far more ass than that new no-women Dr. Pepper commercial. Apollo Creed is actually Carl Weathers since this is before Rocky and he's more raw, less ego-maniacal. What better way to measure masculinity than this? So complex, so diabolically clever and yet so simple: arm wrestle while shaking hands in that pseudo black guy handshake grip. If you're ever in a one on one strength competition and you find yourself winning here's your catchphrase: What's the matter, (name of loser)? The (name of the place that loser works) got you pushing too many pencils?

Scream

Neve Campbell, Matthew Lillard, Skeet Ulrich. Who lets names like these headline a movie? They're real people masked behind a shameful package of ridiculousness. But then, that's also Scream. A real horror movie wrapped in a self-deprecating awareness of this one truth: scary movies are ridiculous. Even repeat viewings of Scream warrant an eye roll, but how scary was it the first time we saw the scream mask? It's played out now, but 10 years ago you would have been taken seriously if you went as Ghostface for Halloween. Even better, you could quote this movie to no end. Electronically altered phone voices and Lillard's one-liners make for a chilling refresher and a reminder that Wes Craven isn't so ridiculous after all.

Zodiac

Paul Avery: Jesus Harold Christ on rubber crutches, Bobby, what are you doing? You're doing that thing. The thing that we discussed, the thing that I don't like, starts with an L... Robert Graysmith: Oh, looming. 

The Last of the Mohicans

Before Daniel Day went crazy with character study, he was a hunky slab of leading man beef who taught Brad Pitt everything there is to know about how to pull off long hair in a movie. His intensity, Michael Mann's tone, and Randy Edelman/Trevor Jones' score make this romp under a night waterfall a scene to remember. For Mann, the action is always the juice. But, the dialogue remains sparse so we have to be selective. In the world we live in, a Last of the Mohicans reference is best used in the Seinfeld comedic pitch of Jerry and Kramer's scene.

When your friends or lovers are ever lost and it's up to you, Hawkeye, hybrid bastard lovechild of Slash and Steven Tyler, tell them:

STAY ALIVE! NO MATTER WHAT OCCURS...I WILL FIND YOU!

Point Break

Two legends, both alike in infamy, playing the roles of their lives. Ted Theodore Logan and the spiritual bouncer come together as Special Agent Johnny Utah and zen surf master/bank robber Bodhi. We're talking about Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze in Point Break. We can't listen to the whole "it's so bad it's good" epithet that's been slandered about this movie. Why? Because, that would be a waste of time.

Mrs. Doubtfire

It's often hard to stomach the Robin Williams shtick. Body fur aside, his comedy is too sweaty and energetic. Everyone prefers him playing the lowly therapist telling Matt Damon to quit being an asshole. It might even be easier to watch him geek out about photography while playing with himself to pictures of other people's families. He's great as a villain, great as a soulfully reachable teacher (The Birdcage loosely fits into this category), horrible as a comedic character actor. No, Good Morning, Vietnam was not good. If you think it was then get the HELL out of this blog! Throw a fat granny suit on him and what happens? Not the Caucasian prequel to Big Mama's House. Gold happens. With a little help from Harvey Fierstein, Robert Prosky, and Brosnan,  Pierce Brosnan.

The Hangover

As one of the most quotable movies of all time, chances are you won't be the only one at the party making wolf pack references. Yes, this was a 2009 summer movie that carried over to 2010 when HBO threw it up on repeat. And yes, The Hangover 2 has come and gone and cleansed our referencing palate. But in the summer of '09, the relatively unknown stars aligned to bring us the best, most original Vegas buddy movie since Swingers.

The Rock

This is the exception to the rule. No, Michael Bay does not make good movies. Nicolas Cage does not make good movies. Sean Connery hasn't made good action movies since his James Bond days and Ed Harris...wait. Ed Harris is in this movie? Hang on, this might not be as cancerous as we thought at first glance. Oh hey, IMDB, Michael Biehn plays the Navy SEAL CO? What, and Aaron Sorkin had a hand in the script? Ok, so think about The Rock this way: the best elements of the James Bond movies, Bad Boys without Martin Lawrence, if Ed Harris channeled George C. Scott's Patton, a Michael Mann-esque score, and The West Wing's Patriotism combined with The Social Network's quick, punchy dialogue.

The Silence of the Lambs

Charismatic evil or campy sadism, which one is more quotable? Is it bad that they're both hilarious in this Jodie Foster vessel? We're of course talking about Hannibal Lecter and Buffalo Bill: Both criminally insane and pop culturally legendary. That Sir Anthony Hopkins got much more credit than Ted Levine is the real tragedy.

Any Given Sunday

It's one speech after another in Any Given Sunday. Perhaps none better than Al Pacino's Peace with Inches and not since Mel Gibson on a horse with face paint have we seen such an epic monologue. If you've got the gusto, do the whole scene with a group of friends before a big moment in your life. Make sure to emphasize "We CLAW with our FINGER NAILS" , "THE SIX INCHES IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE", and "that's gonna make the FUCKING difference between WINNING AND LOSING. Between LIVING AND DYING!" ...You're going to have to be pretty drunk.

Batman Begins

A visually stunning film yields more poetry than one might expect from a comic book movie. We romanticize Batman because of all the "super heroes" he is one that is attainable. The co-author of the film said it best: "Like maybe if we tried hard enough, if we worked hard enough, if we trained hard enough, maybe, just maybe, we could become Batman."

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

Delicate is the balance between 'oh no, not another Jim Carrey movie quoter' and 'wow, what a well placed, well timed Ace Ventura Reference'. Hopefully you can pick your references better than Ace expresses his emotions. Here's one to write off your list permanently:

Allllllllllllllrighty then

Quotes like this have no business in conversation.

The Rules of Attraction

The Beek is a long way from the Creek. Dawson Leery is an unlikely choice to play Patrick Bateman's younger brother. Fortunately for him, he does well to eliminate his weepy manchild image with every new facial expression contrasting so well with the mono toned inner monologue. He is good. The guy in the picture above (whose name I had to IMDB because he never gets work, which is a travesty), Russell Sams is better. A close second is Fred "I can feel my dick" Savage.

The Birdcage

Character. The only question is, which will I be for my string of quotes during the let's-all-reference-The Birdcage brouhaha. And trust me, this will happen in the blink of an eye when you least expect it. Quick thinking and a solid foundation of quote-ready references will prepare you well for whenever Ms. Albert decides to walk in the door as Val's mother instead of visiting the cemetery with her toothbrush...How Egyptian. We can't afford to be driving back from Miami at 20 miles an hour with the parking brake on  now can we?

Die Hard

Chain smoking blue collar hero who gives Schwarzenegger a run for the one-liner title? Elegantly foreign, charismatic-in-all-languages bad guy? Carl Winslow in the role of his life? No. When we think of Die Hard, we think of one man: Hart Bochner.

American Psycho

It's hard to pick a favorite from so many great quotes. Even that is a slight reference to Christian Bale's soulful yuppie pining for Whitney Houston's debut LP, called simply, Whitney Houston.
Every life moment referencing American Psycho leads to another, making reference to this movie easy because there is no wrong reference. The popularity comes from this essentially being an R-rated, Wall Street version of The Office if Jim worked out, fixed his face and started murdering women.
Since we're all new at this here. Let's try to have some semblance of structure. So here's a bullet point breakdown. Why? BECAUSE I WANT TO FIT IN.

1. The Business Card Scene 
2. The Threesome
3. The Paul Allen Dinner
4. The Paul Allen Murder
5. The Questioning 
6. The Laundry
7. The Video Tapes

1. The Business Card Scene

Many will recognize the "business card scene from American Psycho" as starting at minute 1:30 when Bateman unsheathes his card holder to show the group his new card. This is misinformed. To be a real connoisseur and raise a few eyebrows among quotable quote lovers, you must start with Louis and Bateman. We already suspected Louis of liking convertible junk bonds, if you know what I mean...Guys. He likes to fuck guys. Whether Bateman knows this or not doesn't matter. It only compounds the hilarity when Louis, after reaching over to grab Bateman's suit to feel the material, gets slapped away with a stern, "Your compliment was sufficient, Louis." Use this line sparingly and with the right audience, because it flies under the radar and could out you as a homophobe.

Suggestions for usage include:

• Someone giving multiple compliments on an outfit or article of clothing in a given day. 
• After unwanted, unexplained gropings under the guise of "I like your shirt". 
• Anytime you wear anything out of the ordinary and people give you shit for it. 

Don't worry, we'll go in depth about Paul Allen later. Having said that, "Great Sea Urchin Ceviche" is a go to line when talking about virtually any restaurant. The real part 2 of this scene begins with, "What is that, a gram?" Which is Bryce asking Bateman if his business card holder is a gram of cocaine. Here's a fantastic open ended quote that applies to any situation where someone wants to show something new to a group. A nice follow up to that in the same situation, if the group approves of the new item, would be "Jesus. That is really super. How'd a nitwit like you get so tasteful?" Fair warning: Many have tripped up on that one because of the wordiness and pacing of the line.

Sample real world application:

• Dan has a new phone. Dan reaches into pocked for new phone to show to the group and pulls it out of his pocket. Will asks "What is that, a gram?" (laughter) Dan says something about his new phone, yada yada features, yada yada data plan and there's a pause. Will interjects: "Jesus. That is really super. How'd a nitwit like you get so tasteful?" (laughter and a hand clap!)

A couple more elements to this scene. The first is Bateman's quick response to "Good coloring" as he says, "That's bone". Wear a lot of white and bait people into commenting on your duds, then drop that line on them. The second is Bateman's internal monologue after reviewing Paul Allen's card: "Look at that subtle off-white coloring, the tasteful thickness of it. Oh my god! It even has a watermark." To which Louis replies: "Something wrong? Patrick? You're sweating." It's hard to work this whole thing into a conversation unless you're going line for line with someone. But if you want to do the pseudo gay voice and get away with it, go up to your buddy on a hot day, ask him if something's wrong and say, "You're sweating."

2. The Threesome

Well this is just a hardbody banging two whores, how do I reference that? I'll tell you in a minute. There are two takeaways from the sex scene to define all sex scenes. The first one is, after Bateman has told Christy to get down on her knees so Sabrina can see her asshole, he stops mid-Phil Collins sermon to forcefully offer directions: "Sabrina, don't just stare at it. Eat it." There are too many applications to itemize, but the general rule of thumb for use of this line is: if one or more people are looking at something disgusting, use immediately.
The second part of this scene is slightly more delicate, but infinitely more high-five worthy. Somewhere mid-doggy-style-coitus, Bateman does the muscleman flex with one arm and points to the camera while looking in the mirror. He then demonstrates the origins of the Batman voice as he says "Look at the camera" to the women. The last part notwithstanding, you've not had proper sex until you've looked into the mirror, pointed off in the distance, and flexed whilst your woman is face down in a pillow none the wiser. Feel free to mumble "Look at the camera" too.

3. The Paul Allen Dinner

Lost in the lore of this film is the setup to Bateman murdering Paul Allen. Having mistaken Bateman for the dickhead Marcus Halberstram, the two go to dinner. Bateman strolls in the restaurant to find Allen at the table berating the waiter whereupon the frustrated character gets told: "J&B straight and a corona". Unfortunately the waiter doesn't get it and asks, "Would you like to hear the specials" to which Bateman responds, "Not if you want to keep your spleen." Ways to use the drink order: if you're ever mad or frustrated or had a long day. Even if you don't actually want either of those drinks, throw the line out there and see if anybody picks up on it. If they do, your evening just got a whole lot better. Ways to use the spleen line: if anyone asks to do/show/tell you anything and you don't want to hear it.
Let's run down the rest of the back and forth Bateman/Allen repartee:

• Allen: You're late 
• Bateman: Hey, I'm a child of divorce. Gimme a break. *

• Allen: We should have gone to Dorsia. I could have gotten us a table. 
• Bateman: Nobody goes there anymore. *

• Allen: Evelyn? Great ass. Goes out with that loser Patrick Bateman, what a dork! *
• Bateman: Haha. Another martini, Paul?

* Quotable quote from underrated scene. Preserve for conversations with known American Psycho enthusiasts.

4. The Paul Allen Murder

Christian Bale went out of his way to give the dinner scene to Jared Leto. Now, Leto returns the favor. After several more double absolutes and failed Ivana Trump sightings, the two return to Bateman's minimalistic Upper West Side apartment and complete a scene with greater juxtaposition of 80's music and violence than Grand Theft Auto: Vice City.

A disclaimer: You will not be able to quote this whole scene successfully in a social setting, so please don't try. There is way too much to remember and it's too long. If you must remember a longer line, make it this: "I think their undisputed masterpiece is Hip to be Square, a song so catchy most people probably don't listen to the lyrics, but they SHOULD because it's not just about the pleasures of conformity and the importance of trend, it's also a personal statement about the band itself. HEY PAUL!" Though if someone were to rattle off this lengthy gem, they might be cast into the Asperger's Syndrome waste bin of society by the masses, instead of raised onto their shoulders and carried off the field.

You're more than likely going to trade quotes like "Why are there copies of the style section all over the place? Do you have a dog? a little chow, haha", "Is that a raincoat?", or "TRY GETTING A RESERVATION AT DORSIA NOW YOU FUCKING STUPID BASTARD!" All of which are fine and dandy. The style section quote can be used over any newspaper-on-the-floor situation, the raincoat for any raincoat wearer, and the Dorsia preferable where screaming is appropriate like a sports arena.
And let's not forget the Halloween factor. Of course, one cannot be Patrick Bateman without the raincoat and face half covered in blood. Axes and Sony Walkman headphones are a bonus. Have a look at some of these alpha males that got the costume right.



5. The Questioning

The chameleon Willem Defoe is under used in this film. But for the purpose of this exercise, he gets to sit witness to two masterful lines: "Oh Africa, brave Africa. It was a laugh riot." and "That whole Yale thing"

Application for Africa line:
Person X: Hey what play did you see last night?
You: (name of play). It was a laugh riot. 

Generally the whole Yale thing is best used while in high school or college; however, a person at a rival company can also be used nicely. Let's have a look.

Person Y:What do you mean (rival high school, college, or company) thing?
You: Well I think for one that he was probably a closet homosexual who did a lot of cocaine. That (rival high school, college, or company) thing

6. The Laundry

If there's one thing Pat Bateman's good at, it's shitting on minorities. Black, gay, homeless, Chinese, it's all the same to Pat Bateman. So enjoy the moment of rage before you start quoting the real goods when what's-her-face comes in. After a night of literally devouring some model's box, average looking girl with the beret asks Bateman what the stain is: "Oh well it's cranberry juice, cran-apple." Use this for any and all stains you ever get on anything.

If there's another thing Pat Bateman's good at, it's sprinkling Les Miserables into his life. From staring his cold gaze into the reflection of a Les Miz poster in his bathroom to making up an on-the-spot excuse for blowing off the heffer. Les Miserables defined Musical theater in the 80's for the Yuppies. If you ever need a believable excuse, just say: "Can't I'm afraid. Matinee of Les Miz".


7. The Video Tapes

I have to return some video tapes....

AND don't worry if you didn't leave a name...."They know me." 

Welcome to Applied Movie References

A chronicle of real life applications for movie references.

Every day is a new movie and with every movie comes a new set of applications. Sometimes the reference is as simple as one phrase from one sentence of one part in the movie. Other times, references span minutes, hours and days. Either way, this is a great way to procrastinate my TPS reports. If you ever have trouble keeping up with the references, take a peek at the links. Kudos to those who never leave the page.

Some days feel like Han Solo after carbon freezing on the way to the Sarlacc, so the posts will not have a schedule.

Enjoy the concept and start with the very first post: American Psycho.